As I was rushing out of my office Friday night, putting on my coat, I realized I lost a flippin’ glove….I thought to myself …..MOTHER OF GOD I am worse than a friggin’ preschooler when it comes to keeping track of gloves…..this is not the first time I’ve lost a glove, not the second, and certainly not the last!.....ugh!...I need idiot gloves…you know, like the gloves 4 year olds wear with the string that attaches them together……I refuse to buy another pair of gloves………don’t worry I thought of wearing the mismatched gloves…..I have no shame……only problem is I lost the same flippin’ glove…..the right one….so I am left with two left gloves…..I would never be THAT desperate….well never say never…..usually during the Winter you will see orphaned gloves and mittens everywhere, in the snow, on the street, at the train….lost lonely gloves….which I think is proof enough that I am not the only one who needs idiot gloves…
When I got on the train I was surprised to see lots of open seats….I scored a prime spot…..no one on my left…no one on my right…..nice…..just as I sat down and got settled this guy comes over and STANDS in front of me…..he grabs a book out of his BACK PACK!.....then raises his free hand to grab the rail above him, as he holds his open book with the other…..he was clearly staying…..this my friends is the perfect example of “THE HOVERER”…..instead of standing in front of…oh I don’t know…AN EMPTY SEAT!.....or maybe standing in the door way….he stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME……well his CROTCH is right in front of me…..….the thing is if you are lucky enough to get a seat on the T, you are UNLUCKY enough to have front row seats for the crotch parade…..you will avoid looking at crotch, but its gonna happen…...so this chump stood there reading his book breathing his nasty breath in my face…I thought to myself, I really am an idiot magnet…... HEY Mr. Hovercraft! Could you be so kind as to back the hell up! ….or I don’t know take a seat….last time I checked I wasn’t at the “All Male Review” and I wasn’t looking for a lap dance…..especially from a guy like you who is clearly a “GROWER” and not a “SHOW-ER”!
Showing posts with label boston. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boston. Show all posts
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Blondie Strikes Again!
Well my glorious Friday morning started out splendidly. I stood at the freezing bus stop, with flurries falling on my uncovered head, for a bus that never showed up. I am the type of person that I am not going to wait outside on a major roadway in Braintree for 20 minutes waiting for a bus….because I remember when I had a car, and would drive by bus stops and see people standing there staring off into space, waiting for a stupid bus and I would think….SUCKAS!!!!.....so I try to spend as little time as possible at the bus stop…not to mention the ass wipe truck drivers that honk…for fun….even better when they drive by twice….it makes me want to walk into oncoming traffic.
When the bus finally came I boarded only to find my “bestie”, the double wide, bottle blonde with the mouth that won’t quit!....well that is not entirely true….I did see her stop talking for a few minutes one time on the T when she packed breakfast for the ride….inhaling a sausage, egg and cheese bagel like it was her last train ride…and I wished it was!.....Anyway….there she was sitting in the front side seats that were reserved for the elderly, handicapped and women with children…she was sprawled out like she was at home lounging on the couch, watching a marathon of phantom gourmet….I thought I was safe when I saw her reach for a Metro and she started flipping through the pages….but then her phone rang……………..Grrreeaaat I thought….now there are people who will answer their cell on the bus or train, and talk softly, and maybe even cover their mouth with their hand….ya know so as not to be rude to the other passengers….She is not one of them!......she is one of those attention seeking crazy ass bitches whose face lights up when it rings, and if she had an infant on her lap, she would probably toss him to the ground to ensure getting to the phone before the second ring……so she snatches her phone from her pocket and immediately starts yelling into the phone as she looks around the bus to see if anyone is watching, or listening to her….well this morning she was not too pleased with the conversation that was taking place. I think maybe it was a co-worker because she starting bashing another employee with vigor. She was so friggin’ loud!
Now my outward response to obnoxious cell talkers on the bus or train is what I like to call “the Julie Flanagan stare”…with closed tight lips and clenched teeth and a gaze that could burn through steel, I stared this bitch down….I saw this stare work its wonders many times….mostly on me when I was being "less than angelic", usually when my mom gave me this stare I had time to book it up the stairs to my room before she caught me (by the time she had me she was a lot slower, my older siblings were not so lucky, she smoked like a chimney but could catch my all star football playing brother in seconds flat!)…more often than not this stare was used in church….like whenever Fr. Doran’s homilies ran a little too long…yes, my mother timed homilies….and when they dragged on my mother would use her death stare as her signal to “wrap it up Padre”….well anyway…this blondie wouldn’t quit. She was saying how this bitch Sue was a loser and she probably had STD’s etc. then she would throw in a couple cackles…ya know because she thought she was being hilarious…..I was like are you friggin’ serious? I don’t want to hear “STD’s” spoken so early in the morning…nor do I want to be reminded of it on a Friday when I am praying to Jesus I don’t catch any over the weekend! ……HEY Kristie Alley how about you pipe the F down! We all know that you’re jealous of Sue and her STD’s because your chances of catching any are pretty slim, considering you need to get laid to catch one…unless of course you can catch one from your cat!
When the bus finally came I boarded only to find my “bestie”, the double wide, bottle blonde with the mouth that won’t quit!....well that is not entirely true….I did see her stop talking for a few minutes one time on the T when she packed breakfast for the ride….inhaling a sausage, egg and cheese bagel like it was her last train ride…and I wished it was!.....Anyway….there she was sitting in the front side seats that were reserved for the elderly, handicapped and women with children…she was sprawled out like she was at home lounging on the couch, watching a marathon of phantom gourmet….I thought I was safe when I saw her reach for a Metro and she started flipping through the pages….but then her phone rang……………..Grrreeaaat I thought….now there are people who will answer their cell on the bus or train, and talk softly, and maybe even cover their mouth with their hand….ya know so as not to be rude to the other passengers….She is not one of them!......she is one of those attention seeking crazy ass bitches whose face lights up when it rings, and if she had an infant on her lap, she would probably toss him to the ground to ensure getting to the phone before the second ring……so she snatches her phone from her pocket and immediately starts yelling into the phone as she looks around the bus to see if anyone is watching, or listening to her….well this morning she was not too pleased with the conversation that was taking place. I think maybe it was a co-worker because she starting bashing another employee with vigor. She was so friggin’ loud!
Now my outward response to obnoxious cell talkers on the bus or train is what I like to call “the Julie Flanagan stare”…with closed tight lips and clenched teeth and a gaze that could burn through steel, I stared this bitch down….I saw this stare work its wonders many times….mostly on me when I was being "less than angelic", usually when my mom gave me this stare I had time to book it up the stairs to my room before she caught me (by the time she had me she was a lot slower, my older siblings were not so lucky, she smoked like a chimney but could catch my all star football playing brother in seconds flat!)…more often than not this stare was used in church….like whenever Fr. Doran’s homilies ran a little too long…yes, my mother timed homilies….and when they dragged on my mother would use her death stare as her signal to “wrap it up Padre”….well anyway…this blondie wouldn’t quit. She was saying how this bitch Sue was a loser and she probably had STD’s etc. then she would throw in a couple cackles…ya know because she thought she was being hilarious…..I was like are you friggin’ serious? I don’t want to hear “STD’s” spoken so early in the morning…nor do I want to be reminded of it on a Friday when I am praying to Jesus I don’t catch any over the weekend! ……HEY Kristie Alley how about you pipe the F down! We all know that you’re jealous of Sue and her STD’s because your chances of catching any are pretty slim, considering you need to get laid to catch one…unless of course you can catch one from your cat!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
World Traveler
The one sucky thing about working in Boston…well let me rephrase that… ONE OF the sucky things about working in Boston is….TOURISTS. I hate em’. Yeah I get it…they are good for the economy, but they are not good for my friggin’ blood pressure. You can spot them a mile away….the European ones are the worst…why you ask?...because they love squirrels and pigeons…..they love to lure these creatures with little rodent treats and then take photos and video them for HOURS!..... do not even think for one second that these tourists are sweet animal lovers…..squirrels and pigeons ARE NOT animals….they are rats in mutant forms….and this TOURIST activity irritates the hell out of me… I am like…hey jetsetters…those are not cute little furry animals….they are rats with furry tails!....What is worse is that they LOVE backpacks…..not like the backpacks you strap on your child before they get on the bus in the morning…but big ass back packs, the size of the small child that you put on the bus in the morning. Usually THESE PEOPLE are only a problem in the Summer, but wait…..there are those HARD CORE tourists….who don’t care about nice weather, they just care about the History of the place blah blah blah. I was lucky enough last night to bump into one of these gems on the train.
As I was standing on the platform praying I wouldn’t have any “guidette” run ins…my train finally arrived…..I got on the last car like I always do..passed through the door only to be denied access by you guessed it!….Mr. World Traveler. There he stood…not IN the door way…but not out of it either….he had positioned himself so perfectly that he blocked part of the door way and…..the aisle…..now you couldn’t get by this guy…why you ask?....because of the Eastern Mountain Sports Super Deluxe Hiking back pack he had strapped to his back….so being the sweet nice woman that I am…I said to him politely “Excuse me” then, “Excuse me Please” then….. I thought to myself this guy apparently suffers from what my mother liked to refer to as “selective hearing”…..I then said it again nice and loud…He stood there…meanwhile there was a line of people behind me trying to get on….which means there were people directly behind me trying to spoon me…..so now I was forced to break not one, but TWO rules…..I had already broken the rule of talking to people on the train….I don’t talk to people on the train even if I know them….my brother could walk on that train and he would not even get as much as a hello from me …the second rule about to be broken….was…..touching…I don’t touch people on the train….well this guy was about to get touched! ….I slowly moved my hand from my pocket and placed it ever so nicely on his EUROPEAN sized back pack and firmly pushed that fucker out of my way…..he was a bit taken aback….looked at me in horror to which my response was……Welcome to Boston pal!
As I was standing on the platform praying I wouldn’t have any “guidette” run ins…my train finally arrived…..I got on the last car like I always do..passed through the door only to be denied access by you guessed it!….Mr. World Traveler. There he stood…not IN the door way…but not out of it either….he had positioned himself so perfectly that he blocked part of the door way and…..the aisle…..now you couldn’t get by this guy…why you ask?....because of the Eastern Mountain Sports Super Deluxe Hiking back pack he had strapped to his back….so being the sweet nice woman that I am…I said to him politely “Excuse me” then, “Excuse me Please” then….. I thought to myself this guy apparently suffers from what my mother liked to refer to as “selective hearing”…..I then said it again nice and loud…He stood there…meanwhile there was a line of people behind me trying to get on….which means there were people directly behind me trying to spoon me…..so now I was forced to break not one, but TWO rules…..I had already broken the rule of talking to people on the train….I don’t talk to people on the train even if I know them….my brother could walk on that train and he would not even get as much as a hello from me …the second rule about to be broken….was…..touching…I don’t touch people on the train….well this guy was about to get touched! ….I slowly moved my hand from my pocket and placed it ever so nicely on his EUROPEAN sized back pack and firmly pushed that fucker out of my way…..he was a bit taken aback….looked at me in horror to which my response was……Welcome to Boston pal!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Love on the Red Line
Saw a couple of teenage love birds on the train today. Exactly just want I want to see before my morning coffee. He was looking oh so gangsta in his Sean John Hoodie and his super big White Stag jeans from Walmart…..she was looking oh so attractive in her flannel pajama bottoms and Uggs. I fucking hate Uggs. They were all over each other. I felt like I was in my high school cafeteria all over again…..minus the smell of floor cleaner and sloppy joes. There is nothing worse than PDA…wait..of course there is…but this morning this scene takes the friggin’ cake. HEY Miss (and I stress the Miss) Future Teen Mom why don’t you straddle the guy already and free up a seat! And NO I will not give up my seat for you in nine months when you are on this same train, with a big ass dirty stroller with your screaming snotty ass kid who you ignore as you text your “besties”!
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