Some punk was nice enough to wake me before my alarm this morning….blowing his damn horn like an idiot….I love that!.....one of the bonuses of living on a main street in the beautiful town of Braintree….but it makes me want to buy eggs and sit on my roof and peg cars that beep their damn horn for no reason….well maybe when the weather gets warmer….and I lose my fear of heights ….and if I can actually learn how to throw something past ten feet……ok so maybe egging cars isn’t the answer….but I could buy a paintball gun and snipe those horn blowers from my window…..wait can a blog be used in court as evidence?
When I was getting ready for work I couldn’t watch the news for obvious reasons…..this DAMN ELECTION!...so I watched “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” instead……much more entertaining……although she does make me wish for magical powers to teleport myself to work every day….but then again, if I did that, what would I have to make my life miserable and cause me to bitch incessantly.
I saw something I had never seen before on the train this morning….a guy with his fly down….he didn’t look like the kind of sketch that would do this ON PURPOSE…you know.. for fun…we get warned about guys like that on T posters…beware PERVS on the T!......well at least this guy was not going commando…..but still…....I wondered if anyone else noticed this man…STANDING for all to see….reading his “Rolling Stone” …..totally oblivious to the fact that his barn door was WIDE open….normally one could make eye contact with a stranger and give them the ol’ raised eyebrow look….ya know like if you got a bat in the cave…someone might touch their nose with their finger to give you the heads up….like hey you…you got a hanger…take care of it….but these rules do not apply on the train because…… eye contact is shunned upon….and you sure as hell don’t want to talk to anybody….but what it is one to do when you have a guy standing by your side with his skivvies hanging out his front door?.....
HEY Joe Boxer!…..Boxers or Briefs?….looks like we all know the answer to that question…THANKS for sharing!....but some things my friend…should remain a mystery…..and FYI every woman knows you sure as hell weren’t too busy washing your hands to forget to zip up….. so perhaps the next time you leave the house maybe you should “XYZ”…that’s code for “eXamine Your Zipper” pal!
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Too Close for Comfort
As I was rushing out of my office Friday night, putting on my coat, I realized I lost a flippin’ glove….I thought to myself …..MOTHER OF GOD I am worse than a friggin’ preschooler when it comes to keeping track of gloves…..this is not the first time I’ve lost a glove, not the second, and certainly not the last!.....ugh!...I need idiot gloves…you know, like the gloves 4 year olds wear with the string that attaches them together……I refuse to buy another pair of gloves………don’t worry I thought of wearing the mismatched gloves…..I have no shame……only problem is I lost the same flippin’ glove…..the right one….so I am left with two left gloves…..I would never be THAT desperate….well never say never…..usually during the Winter you will see orphaned gloves and mittens everywhere, in the snow, on the street, at the train….lost lonely gloves….which I think is proof enough that I am not the only one who needs idiot gloves…
When I got on the train I was surprised to see lots of open seats….I scored a prime spot…..no one on my left…no one on my right…..nice…..just as I sat down and got settled this guy comes over and STANDS in front of me…..he grabs a book out of his BACK PACK!.....then raises his free hand to grab the rail above him, as he holds his open book with the other…..he was clearly staying…..this my friends is the perfect example of “THE HOVERER”…..instead of standing in front of…oh I don’t know…AN EMPTY SEAT!.....or maybe standing in the door way….he stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME……well his CROTCH is right in front of me…..….the thing is if you are lucky enough to get a seat on the T, you are UNLUCKY enough to have front row seats for the crotch parade…..you will avoid looking at crotch, but its gonna happen…...so this chump stood there reading his book breathing his nasty breath in my face…I thought to myself, I really am an idiot magnet…... HEY Mr. Hovercraft! Could you be so kind as to back the hell up! ….or I don’t know take a seat….last time I checked I wasn’t at the “All Male Review” and I wasn’t looking for a lap dance…..especially from a guy like you who is clearly a “GROWER” and not a “SHOW-ER”!
When I got on the train I was surprised to see lots of open seats….I scored a prime spot…..no one on my left…no one on my right…..nice…..just as I sat down and got settled this guy comes over and STANDS in front of me…..he grabs a book out of his BACK PACK!.....then raises his free hand to grab the rail above him, as he holds his open book with the other…..he was clearly staying…..this my friends is the perfect example of “THE HOVERER”…..instead of standing in front of…oh I don’t know…AN EMPTY SEAT!.....or maybe standing in the door way….he stands RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME……well his CROTCH is right in front of me…..….the thing is if you are lucky enough to get a seat on the T, you are UNLUCKY enough to have front row seats for the crotch parade…..you will avoid looking at crotch, but its gonna happen…...so this chump stood there reading his book breathing his nasty breath in my face…I thought to myself, I really am an idiot magnet…... HEY Mr. Hovercraft! Could you be so kind as to back the hell up! ….or I don’t know take a seat….last time I checked I wasn’t at the “All Male Review” and I wasn’t looking for a lap dance…..especially from a guy like you who is clearly a “GROWER” and not a “SHOW-ER”!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I had the pleasure of taking the commuter rail this morning…now this is a completely different experience than taking that T……different rules…different fools.....and as you know, my tolerance for fools is pretty damn low….
I am sure many of you have taken the commuter rail into the city to see a Sox came or some other event…well riding the train during the week, especially the commuter rail, is a whole different ball park….the thing that pisses me off the most about the commuter rail is that it costs an arm and a leg (when I write that all I can think about is that damn chick in the t-mobile commercial holding the arm and the leg…I need that burned out of my brain!) and the other kicker?.....there is no bar service…….
The commuter rail is the perfect place to watch a snazzy dressed professionals nod off, snore and drool on themselves and if you are lucky enough…drool on you too….and it is usually the guy next to you…or should I say….ON YOU…and not ON YOU like Tom Cruise in his Risky Business train ride either…more times than not these “nodders” doze and dip…..which means they fall asleep and then lose the capability of holding their body up because….well they are DEAD asleep…
When you get on the train you have a few options for seating….single seating, two seater, and the three seater…single seating is very limited…..well you would think single seating would be ideal…and it can be, as long as you are not sitting across from the bathroom….which I might add smells like a port-a-potty at Lollapalooza….and if you have to use the train bathroom, you have to fight the urge to vomit as you try and pee…which can prove to be very difficult…not to mention trying to pee as you hover over the seat on a moving train….needless to say you never use the john unless absolutely necessary!......which means only if you have an EXPLOSIVE case of diarrhea….
I always try to grab a two seater….less drama….easy cheesy…..the three seaters?….nightmare-ish!.....here is the deal….the first person that sits in the three seater goes to the window. The second person that sits, sits in the aisle seat…..now you would assume that when the third person comes by to sit, that the person on the aisle would just slide over……………..NOT!.....they get up and let you get in so you can sit in the middle….. between Obnoxious Tech Guy and Dr. Drool….which makes for a great commute….nothing liek being the meat in a commuter sandwich....
This morning the train was packed….I had to sit in a three seater….ugh…. I like to find the person sitting in the aisle with the most shit on his lap….why you ask?...because I know how people think….they think….if I have my laptop out, and I have my coffee in my hands, and my backpack in the middle seat (yeah back pack!) and I “look” busy then people are less likely to ask to sit….well that is not how I roll…..I look for THAT guy….the TECH Guy with all his shit laid out on the seat….that is the guy that I bother…just for fun…they always ignore you when you say …excuse me can I sit here?....so you have to “tap” them on the shoulder….oh yeah I tap Tech Guy on the shoulder…
So I tapped this guy on the shoulder and asked if I could sit…..he was pissed….he huffed and puffed….the wire to his ear buds got caught…he had to grab his BACKPACK and laptop with coffee in hand to GET UP….so he could be “nice enough” to let me into the seat….Hey Mr. Gamer Laptop Lover! there is no need for a laptop to be open on a train for a 30 minute ride….unless maybe if you are working on a cure for cancer….and from the looks of the game you are playing, you and your "band of brothers" aren’t working on anything…except maybe not EVER getting laid.
I am sure many of you have taken the commuter rail into the city to see a Sox came or some other event…well riding the train during the week, especially the commuter rail, is a whole different ball park….the thing that pisses me off the most about the commuter rail is that it costs an arm and a leg (when I write that all I can think about is that damn chick in the t-mobile commercial holding the arm and the leg…I need that burned out of my brain!) and the other kicker?.....there is no bar service…….
The commuter rail is the perfect place to watch a snazzy dressed professionals nod off, snore and drool on themselves and if you are lucky enough…drool on you too….and it is usually the guy next to you…or should I say….ON YOU…and not ON YOU like Tom Cruise in his Risky Business train ride either…more times than not these “nodders” doze and dip…..which means they fall asleep and then lose the capability of holding their body up because….well they are DEAD asleep…
When you get on the train you have a few options for seating….single seating, two seater, and the three seater…single seating is very limited…..well you would think single seating would be ideal…and it can be, as long as you are not sitting across from the bathroom….which I might add smells like a port-a-potty at Lollapalooza….and if you have to use the train bathroom, you have to fight the urge to vomit as you try and pee…which can prove to be very difficult…not to mention trying to pee as you hover over the seat on a moving train….needless to say you never use the john unless absolutely necessary!......which means only if you have an EXPLOSIVE case of diarrhea….
I always try to grab a two seater….less drama….easy cheesy…..the three seaters?….nightmare-ish!.....here is the deal….the first person that sits in the three seater goes to the window. The second person that sits, sits in the aisle seat…..now you would assume that when the third person comes by to sit, that the person on the aisle would just slide over……………..NOT!.....they get up and let you get in so you can sit in the middle….. between Obnoxious Tech Guy and Dr. Drool….which makes for a great commute….nothing liek being the meat in a commuter sandwich....
This morning the train was packed….I had to sit in a three seater….ugh…. I like to find the person sitting in the aisle with the most shit on his lap….why you ask?...because I know how people think….they think….if I have my laptop out, and I have my coffee in my hands, and my backpack in the middle seat (yeah back pack!) and I “look” busy then people are less likely to ask to sit….well that is not how I roll…..I look for THAT guy….the TECH Guy with all his shit laid out on the seat….that is the guy that I bother…just for fun…they always ignore you when you say …excuse me can I sit here?....so you have to “tap” them on the shoulder….oh yeah I tap Tech Guy on the shoulder…
So I tapped this guy on the shoulder and asked if I could sit…..he was pissed….he huffed and puffed….the wire to his ear buds got caught…he had to grab his BACKPACK and laptop with coffee in hand to GET UP….so he could be “nice enough” to let me into the seat….Hey Mr. Gamer Laptop Lover! there is no need for a laptop to be open on a train for a 30 minute ride….unless maybe if you are working on a cure for cancer….and from the looks of the game you are playing, you and your "band of brothers" aren’t working on anything…except maybe not EVER getting laid.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
World Traveler
The one sucky thing about working in Boston…well let me rephrase that… ONE OF the sucky things about working in Boston is….TOURISTS. I hate em’. Yeah I get it…they are good for the economy, but they are not good for my friggin’ blood pressure. You can spot them a mile away….the European ones are the worst…why you ask?...because they love squirrels and pigeons…..they love to lure these creatures with little rodent treats and then take photos and video them for HOURS!..... do not even think for one second that these tourists are sweet animal lovers…..squirrels and pigeons ARE NOT animals….they are rats in mutant forms….and this TOURIST activity irritates the hell out of me… I am like…hey jetsetters…those are not cute little furry animals….they are rats with furry tails!....What is worse is that they LOVE backpacks…..not like the backpacks you strap on your child before they get on the bus in the morning…but big ass back packs, the size of the small child that you put on the bus in the morning. Usually THESE PEOPLE are only a problem in the Summer, but wait…..there are those HARD CORE tourists….who don’t care about nice weather, they just care about the History of the place blah blah blah. I was lucky enough last night to bump into one of these gems on the train.
As I was standing on the platform praying I wouldn’t have any “guidette” run ins…my train finally arrived…..I got on the last car like I always do..passed through the door only to be denied access by you guessed it!….Mr. World Traveler. There he stood…not IN the door way…but not out of it either….he had positioned himself so perfectly that he blocked part of the door way and…..the aisle…..now you couldn’t get by this guy…why you ask?....because of the Eastern Mountain Sports Super Deluxe Hiking back pack he had strapped to his back….so being the sweet nice woman that I am…I said to him politely “Excuse me” then, “Excuse me Please” then….. I thought to myself this guy apparently suffers from what my mother liked to refer to as “selective hearing”…..I then said it again nice and loud…He stood there…meanwhile there was a line of people behind me trying to get on….which means there were people directly behind me trying to spoon me…..so now I was forced to break not one, but TWO rules…..I had already broken the rule of talking to people on the train….I don’t talk to people on the train even if I know them….my brother could walk on that train and he would not even get as much as a hello from me …the second rule about to be broken….was…..touching…I don’t touch people on the train….well this guy was about to get touched! ….I slowly moved my hand from my pocket and placed it ever so nicely on his EUROPEAN sized back pack and firmly pushed that fucker out of my way…..he was a bit taken aback….looked at me in horror to which my response was……Welcome to Boston pal!
As I was standing on the platform praying I wouldn’t have any “guidette” run ins…my train finally arrived…..I got on the last car like I always do..passed through the door only to be denied access by you guessed it!….Mr. World Traveler. There he stood…not IN the door way…but not out of it either….he had positioned himself so perfectly that he blocked part of the door way and…..the aisle…..now you couldn’t get by this guy…why you ask?....because of the Eastern Mountain Sports Super Deluxe Hiking back pack he had strapped to his back….so being the sweet nice woman that I am…I said to him politely “Excuse me” then, “Excuse me Please” then….. I thought to myself this guy apparently suffers from what my mother liked to refer to as “selective hearing”…..I then said it again nice and loud…He stood there…meanwhile there was a line of people behind me trying to get on….which means there were people directly behind me trying to spoon me…..so now I was forced to break not one, but TWO rules…..I had already broken the rule of talking to people on the train….I don’t talk to people on the train even if I know them….my brother could walk on that train and he would not even get as much as a hello from me …the second rule about to be broken….was…..touching…I don’t touch people on the train….well this guy was about to get touched! ….I slowly moved my hand from my pocket and placed it ever so nicely on his EUROPEAN sized back pack and firmly pushed that fucker out of my way…..he was a bit taken aback….looked at me in horror to which my response was……Welcome to Boston pal!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Love on the Red Line
Saw a couple of teenage love birds on the train today. Exactly just want I want to see before my morning coffee. He was looking oh so gangsta in his Sean John Hoodie and his super big White Stag jeans from Walmart…..she was looking oh so attractive in her flannel pajama bottoms and Uggs. I fucking hate Uggs. They were all over each other. I felt like I was in my high school cafeteria all over again…..minus the smell of floor cleaner and sloppy joes. There is nothing worse than PDA…wait..of course there is…but this morning this scene takes the friggin’ cake. HEY Miss (and I stress the Miss) Future Teen Mom why don’t you straddle the guy already and free up a seat! And NO I will not give up my seat for you in nine months when you are on this same train, with a big ass dirty stroller with your screaming snotty ass kid who you ignore as you text your “besties”!
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