XYZ....

Some punk was nice enough to wake me before my alarm this morning….blowing his damn horn like an idiot….I love that!.....one of the bonuses of living on a main street in the beautiful town of Braintree….but it makes me want to buy eggs and sit on my roof and peg cars that beep their damn horn for no reason….well maybe when the weather gets warmer….and I lose my fear of heights ….and if I can actually learn how to throw something past ten feet……ok so maybe egging cars isn’t the answer….but I could buy a paintball gun and snipe those horn blowers from my window…..wait can a blog be used in court as evidence?

When I was getting ready for work I couldn’t watch the news for obvious reasons…..this DAMN ELECTION!...so I watched “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” instead……much more entertaining……although she does make me wish for magical powers to teleport myself to work every day….but then again, if I did that, what would I have to make my life miserable and cause me to bitch incessantly.

I saw something I had never seen before on the train this morning….a guy with his fly down….he didn’t look like the kind of sketch that would do this ON PURPOSE…you know.. for fun…we get warned about guys like that on T posters…beware PERVS on the T!......well at least this guy was not going commando…..but still…....I wondered if anyone else noticed this man…STANDING for all to see….reading his “Rolling Stone” …..totally oblivious to the fact that his barn door was WIDE open….normally one could make eye contact with a stranger and give them the ol’ raised eyebrow look….ya know like if you got a bat in the cave…someone might touch their nose with their finger to give you the heads up….like hey you…you got a hanger…take care of it….but these rules do not apply on the train because…… eye contact is shunned upon….and you sure as hell don’t want to talk to anybody….but what it is one to do when you have a guy standing by your side with his skivvies hanging out his front door?.....

HEY Joe Boxer!…..Boxers or Briefs?….looks like we all know the answer to that question…THANKS for sharing!....but some things my friend…should remain a mystery…..and FYI every woman knows you sure as hell weren’t too busy washing your hands to forget to zip up….. so perhaps the next time you leave the house maybe you should “XYZ”…that’s code for “eXamine Your Zipper” pal!

World Traveler

The one sucky thing about working in Boston…well let me rephrase that… ONE OF the sucky things about working in Boston is….TOURISTS. I hate em’. Yeah I get it…they are good for the economy, but they are not good for my friggin’ blood pressure. You can spot them a mile away….the European ones are the worst…why you ask?...because they love squirrels and pigeons…..they love to lure these creatures with little rodent treats and then take photos and video them for HOURS!..... do not even think for one second that these tourists are sweet animal lovers…..squirrels and pigeons ARE NOT animals….they are rats in mutant forms….and this TOURIST activity irritates the hell out of me… I am like…hey jetsetters…those are not cute little furry animals….they are rats with furry tails!....What is worse is that they LOVE backpacks…..not like the backpacks you strap on your child before they get on the bus in the morning…but big ass back packs, the size of the small child that you put on the bus in the morning. Usually THESE PEOPLE are only a problem in the Summer, but wait…..there are those HARD CORE tourists….who don’t care about nice weather, they just care about the History of the place blah blah blah. I was lucky enough last night to bump into one of these gems on the train.

As I was standing on the platform praying I wouldn’t have any “guidette” run ins…my train finally arrived…..I got on the last car like I always do..passed through the door only to be denied access by you guessed it!….Mr. World Traveler. There he stood…not IN the door way…but not out of it either….he had positioned himself so perfectly that he blocked part of the door way and…..the aisle…..now you couldn’t get by this guy…why you ask?....because of the Eastern Mountain Sports Super Deluxe Hiking back pack he had strapped to his back….so being the sweet nice woman that I am…I said to him politely “Excuse me” then, “Excuse me Please” then….. I thought to myself this guy apparently suffers from what my mother liked to refer to as “selective hearing”…..I then said it again nice and loud…He stood there…meanwhile there was a line of people behind me trying to get on….which means there were people directly behind me trying to spoon me…..so now I was forced to break not one, but TWO rules…..I had already broken the rule of talking to people on the train….I don’t talk to people on the train even if I know them….my brother could walk on that train and he would not even get as much as a hello from me …the second rule about to be broken….was…..touching…I don’t touch people on the train….well this guy was about to get touched! ….I slowly moved my hand from my pocket and placed it ever so nicely on his EUROPEAN sized back pack and firmly pushed that fucker out of my way…..he was a bit taken aback….looked at me in horror to which my response was……Welcome to Boston pal!

Love on the Red Line

Saw a couple of teenage love birds on the train today. Exactly just want I want to see before my morning coffee. He was looking oh so gangsta in his Sean John Hoodie and his super big White Stag jeans from Walmart…..she was looking oh so attractive in her flannel pajama bottoms and Uggs. I fucking hate Uggs. They were all over each other. I felt like I was in my high school cafeteria all over again…..minus the smell of floor cleaner and sloppy joes. There is nothing worse than PDA…wait..of course there is…but this morning this scene takes the friggin’ cake. HEY Miss (and I stress the Miss) Future Teen Mom why don’t you straddle the guy already and free up a seat! And NO I will not give up my seat for you in nine months when you are on this same train, with a big ass dirty stroller with your screaming snotty ass kid who you ignore as you text your “besties”!