Thursday, May 27, 2010

Here's a story..of a lovely lady

I was sitting on the train minding my own business listening to some Hall and Oates (secretly) on my iPod…when across the way I noticed this young girl in her early twenties who looked exactly like Jan Brady….not like “Channel 56 rerun Jan Brady” but “The Brady Bunch Movie Jan Brady”….she had long blonde hair and it was pushed back with a head band….I watched as she pulled a pink "hello kitty" hand mirror out of her bag..and then searched through her bag to find her lip gloss…great….I get to watch her apply makeup…she opened the mirror and began to apply her "wet n’ wild" lip gloss in a nice frosty shade of pink while looking in the mirror…then when she was done she smiled a big scary smile in the mirror….like a girl possessed…… didn’t end there.... she put the cap back on the lip gloss…closed her mirror and put them back in her bag only to pull out her"hello kitty" HAIRBRUSH!.......I thought to myself if Jan starts getting all “100 stroke Marcia” on her hair I am going to flip the hell out!....but she didn’t….she looked at her brush and began to CLEAN IT on the train….She slowly pulled strands of her long blonde hair out of the bristles with her perfectly painted pink nails and tossed them on the ground like she was pulling petals off a daisy….. I watched as the golden strands slowly floated to the dirty, sticky floor... there was a guy standing beside her who was so deeply involved in his book that he didn't realize that the hair balls that didn't make it to the train floor…. clung nicely to his stone colored dress pants….I thought…am I the only one who is seeing this? Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a Hydroxycut daze and that my late TVland marathons are starting to go to my head...because it clearly goes unnoticed by other passengers. Once she got all her hair out of the brush and onto the floor…. and on the passenger beside her ….she then removed a tissue from her bag and began to clean the bristles ONE by ONE……like she was polishing Mike and Carol’s Sterling Silver Anniversary Platter … INSANE!

Hey Lady Brady! Are you telling me that your life is that busy that the only time you have to clean your "hello kitty" hairbrush is on the train? From what I remember you never had that much of a social life. I mean after all your ONE boyfriend George Glass was IMAGINARY!....By the way isn’t it Alice’s job to keep everything neat and tidy? What would your mother think? Jan don’t get me wrong I love the Brady Bunch….but you my friend are only setting yourself up for one thing…..a BRADY PUNCH!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Preaching in the Park

I am not much of a church go-er… let me tell you how friggin’ annoying it is to walk through Boston Common and listen to PREACHING!!!’s amazing how people who find God choose to tell everyone else about it…OUT LOUD…in the middle of a park….at 9am…. it’s getting to the point that I am going to start carrying 40’s in my commuter bag…..I am sure walking up to one of these loud mouths with a nice frosty beer would get them to shut the hell up! .....besides loving METH…these guys also tend to be animal lovers….they love to feed the pigeons and squirrels…..Look! he’s like Jesus!.... feeding the masses…..of RATS.

I am all for people finding God…getting religious and joining a nice cult so they can leave Boston and live on a nice spacious ranch in the dessert surrounded by an electrical fence with plenty of Kool-Aid to drink….any place but here is fine with me….I don’t want to see you and I certainly don’t want to HEAR you! But this guy is there practically every day!...SCREAMING the word of God.

When I was on my way through the park today I discovered I could hear him loud and clear but I couldn’t see him….as I got closer I realized the guy had a friggin’ mic and was holding a little speaker in his arms. SERIOUSLY!!!!!??? They guy now has a SOUND SYSTEM???...Who gave him a sound system? The funniest part about it was watching him balance the speaker…..and the open bible…..while trying to preach into the mic….wait…..Shouldn’t he KNOW the bible by heart by now?

Hey DELIRIOUS DEACON! Do you think it is OPEN MIC night on the Common?....or do you just fear that your words are not being heard? Believe me they are HEARD and IGNORED!....we hear you say “Christ is Lord!” but what it really sounds like is “Christ! This guy is ca-razy!” …by the way FATHER “I NEED A FIX”…do you know how much meth you could get if you pawned that sound system?...just sayin’

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Same Day Same Dress

Did you ever have one of those mornings when you alarm goes off and you lay there in bed going through your Rolodex of “101 excuses to not go to work” in your mind?…..I usually watch the weather in the hopes that maybe Beacon Hill was swept away by a massive Tsunami….never happens…NEVER!.....I was having one of those mornings….well every morning is one of those mornings…it is probably because I live in a dungeon, a basement apartment with no light except for my little street level “Laverne and Shirley” window above my bed…..I can spend a day at home and never even know what the weather is or what time of day it is. …maybe I should start referring to it as my “bomb shelter” rather than my "dungeon"...People might think I offer services in my underground world, services that I just I don’t offer… (Insert sound of bullwhip here)… yet

After watching Meredith Vieira the “Cougar of morning TV” for about 20 minutes I slowly dragged myself out of bed….thinking to myself…what the hell am I going to wear today?.....I am a creature of habit….I like routine…but I have gotten a bit too “routine” with my clothing choices for work….to the point that my friend will call me at my desk and say “It’s Wednesday so I bet you are wearing your brown dress with the brown strappy heels”….which is when I tilt my head down to see I am…in fact…..wearing my brown dress with the brown strappy heels….as hard as I try to not fall into that cycle it never fails….you can always tell what day it is by what I am wearing…..

I always leave my TV on…it’s on while I sleep and it’s on until I leave the house in the morning…I like the noise…but it is also a huge distraction….and is probably the main reason why I am always running for the bus….I get all my news from the Today show….which means I tend not to know too much about what is going on in the world…only how far along Lauer has progressed with his hair plugs and how many times Ann Curry can say good morning in 30 seconds….I think her record is five…..I tried setting my clocks ahead to get me moving but…hello!!!.... I know they are set ahead and I always say to myself well its really 7 not 7:10 am so I have ten more minutes….hip hip hooray!......I need a bandit to sneak into my place and change all the clocks by setting them 20 minutes ahead without me knowing…it’s the only way it would work…..I showered and rushed to dress….throwing on my navy blue dress…which is always a bitch to zip up I just cannot reach it….ugh I fumbled with it getting it half way up and realized I had no idea where my shoes were….I live in an apartment the size of a postage stamp….you would figure I would know where everything was….I rummaged through my basket o’ shoes and found them and headed out the door….running to the bus stop.

I had an early meeting so when I got to the State House I made my way to my office tossed my coat on the coat rack and hauled ass to my meeting……I texted my friend to save me a seat……I got there just in the nick of time….out of breath I made my way through the rows of seats to my friend where I took a of my friends was sitting behind me and tapped me on the back…I was like....why can I feel a cold finger tapping between my shoulder blades?..........OMG! I never zipped up my dress!……I quickly tried my best to stretch my arms behind my back frantically trying to locate my zipper…my friend behind me quickly came to my rescue and zipped my dress. I was so embarrassed….I turned to my friend beside me who fought to hold back laughter in the room full of people….and he said “Rough morning?”…then he slowly looked at me...head to foot and said “Let me guess….its Thursday!”