Monday, May 16, 2011

The Rapture

The anticipated “Rapture” which is to take place on the 21st is a complete mystery to me and has got me thinking….all I have is questions!

I need clarification… it just “Good Christian’s” who will be lifted into the air?...leaving all those who are Jewish, non-Christians and evil doers?

I read on Wiki that the rapture was suppose to take place in 1992 and is Jesus going to show up this time or is he just going to resched?....Jesus just doesn't seem like the kind of guy to blow off a big event such as a Rapture.

I also read on Wiki that there may be two events? One private (the rapture) and one public which is a battle? So can someone purchase tickets to the "private" event? and when this battle comes around is Jesus going to handle it himself? or is it left for all the Jewish people, non-christians, and evil doers to fight out....and will we have guns and tanks.....or will it be hand to hand combat only?

I was planning on going to Opening Day at Suffolk Downs to play the ponies on the 21st……I guess I can hope that Suffolk Downs employs a lot of Jewish peeps or a lot of “bad Christians”….that way I can still go along with my plans and since my husband is Jewish and I am a “bad Christian” we will at least have each other for company….and obviously there can't be any devout Catholic bartenders so the bar will be staffed....but what about the horses? Do they get a free pass or can animals be Jewish or perhaps “evil” non-believers?

Also…since your body is pulled into the sky by Jesus….what happens if you are at work in a building? Will you get stuck to the ceiling? Like should people plan to be outside in open space? What about planes? Is there a possibility that you may be hit by one? Or even worse, be on one where the pilots are chosen for the Rapture…who will fly the plane?.....(wait no pilot can be chosen they are all drunken philanderers)……what about clothes? I have seen a couple artist renditions of the rapture and some have people with clothes on and some do not. If we are going to be naked don’t you think we should have taken this a little more seriously and shed a few pounds in preparation of being naked in front of everyone?…

Wait that should prove it is not going to happen…..because if it was Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers would have had a “Get Rapture Ready” campaign.

Mystery solved.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Chelsea's Mom

This my first script. I could not get it to format properly when I pasted it here. But oh well....
Written by Kate Flanagan-Cone

Chelsea a popular high school senior is studying after school at her dining room table with her friend. Chelsea’s Mom is in her late 30's and thinks she is the cool/hot mom. She walks in interrupting them wearing a sport bra and yoga pants sweaty from a workout.

Hey Girls! Studying?

(You can see Chelsea is annoyed by her mother’s interruption.)

Yeah Mom.

I was just finishing up my Just Dance Workout. What a workout! I think I almost have those Beyonce moves down!

(Chelsea's friend is amazed by Chelsea's mom. She stops and watches as she wipes the sweat off her neck and face with a towel.)

Great Mom. Great.

You sure you gals don’t need any help with current affairs? Taylor and Jake just broke up!

No way! Where did you see that?

I just got a text from I love Perez. What is going on with Lindsey? People are just out to get her. Poor thing she just needs a mom who loves her! Right honey?

(Chelsea's mom hugs Chelsea from behind and swings her left to right.)

I know and what about….

(Chelsea interrupts her friend as she removes her mom’s hands from her one by one.)

Mom we are all set with current EVENTS. Thanks.

(Chelsea's mom senses her daughter’s annoyance and slips away but not without giving Chelsea a kiss on the top of her head before she goes.)

Ok doll. I need to make a shake anyway. I’m famished!

(Mom leaves the room and the girls immediately get back to what they were doing, talking about prom.)

So what is up? Are you going to prom with Brian or what?

I have no idea he hasn’t asked me yet.

I know he will.

What about you? Did you find a dress yet?

No not yet. I have been way to busy making sure that my mom doesn’t find out they need chaperones for prom.

(Mom is in the kitchen mixing a shake in the blender. Music is playing in the background. She stops to do a few dance moves as you makes her way to the trash to throw a banana peel away when she sees a bright pink flyer in the trash. She pulls it out. It reads “Chaperones needed for prom call 555-5555 to volunteer". Excitement is in her face as she grabs the phone and dials. She then jumps through the doorway of the dining room startling the girls.)

Guess who is chaperoning the prom bitches?! I am! I’m so glad I will get to share this special moment with you Chels!

(Mom looks to Chelsea’s friend and make a gesture with her hands like she has a fat pregnant belly and waddles as she puffs out her cheeks. As she says the following…)

I missed out on my prom because I was 8 months pregnant with this beauty.

(Chelsea’s mom grabs Chelsea’s face between her hands.)

Can you believe it? I can’t wait!

(Chelsea rolls her eyes as her head falls into her folded arms on the table. Mom exits room dancing.)

I better go practice my dance moves!

(Next scene opens at prom at a fancy hotel. Music is playing and kids are on the dance floor having a blast. Enter Chelsea's mom, sporting a fake tan and wearing a prom gown that Chelsea wore to Jr prom with a name tag that reads “CHAPERONE”. She has a martini in her hand as she makes her way through the crowd to find Chelsea. Boys stop and stare as she walks by. She finds Chelsea with her friends.)

Hey chels! Looking hot doll! What do you think of your dress from Jr prom? Do I rock it or what? I had to take it in a little here (motioning to waist) and out a lot here (motioning to her breast)but it was worth it don't you think?!

(Chelsea looks horrified. Mom mistakes her horror as disappointment.)

Don’t worry honey you’ll have tits one day…or if you play your cards right maybe some nice guy will buy you a pair. Like me!

(Chelsea’s friends are shocked. The boys are enjoying what they see. A Beyonce song begins to play. You see Chelsea's mom light up with excitement. She lunges towards Chelsea.)

Oh my God Chels! I love this song! I could do the dance moves in my sleep. Here hold this. But don’t take a sip, it’s not Virgin like you!

(Chelsea's mom hands Chelsea her martin as she winks at Chelsea’s date and bumps his hip with hers to move him closer to Chelsea. Chelsea’s boyfriend is smiling and enjoying their interaction until Chelsea elbows him in the gut and he straightens out and the smile fades from his face. Chelsea watches in horror as her mother races to the dance floor pushing kids aside. The DJ makes eye contact with her. The spotlight is on her as she dances and the crowd forms a circle around her. Chelsea is in shock as friends around her start to whisper.)

Who is that?

(Chelsea’s friend points to Chelsea.)

Chelsea’s Mom!

(Chelsea rolls her eyes and knocks back the martini as the sketchy DJ meets her mom on the dance floor. Chelsea can hear her mom call from dance floor.)


(Chelsea’s boy friend takes a chance and removes his hotel room key out of his pocket and shows it to Chelsea. She shrugs and tosses glass over her shoulder as she grabs him and heads out the door. He does a fist pump as he follows her from behind.)


Monday, December 27, 2010

A Flanagan Christmas

When it comes to making your Christmas list, and you are the youngest of nine kids, you AIM LOW. There is no Barbie Dream house and there isn’t an Atari on your list. You are smarter than that.

Growing up on Pond Street we had the best field in our neighborhood that had a huge hill….well at the time we thought it was huge….all the neighborhood kids would spend the whole day sledding…from early morning until dark…..we would make the sweetest jumps and would even drag pails of water from our houses to make icy, slick trails for our flexible flyers… you know the sleds that if you hit someone at the right angle you would slice off a finger.

My great idea that year for a Christmas gift was….skis….that way I wouldn’t have to share my sled with anybody. I would show up at the field with my sweet ass plastic "skis for kids" and WOW everybody…..I would imagine myself flying down the hill with ease as my friends sharing sleds would watch in awwwwe….

So I went home and told my mother that I wanted skis…not like Rossignol's or K2’s but like plastic kids ski’s we saw at Kmart, kid's skis, pretend skis.

On Christmas morning I thought for sure I would get my skis. I unwrapped every gift….. no skis. Then my Dad reached behind the tree for one more gift and it was for me!!! He threw it to me and I opened it quickly…tearing the paper from the box…tearing the box open to find the Sunday comics bunched up as stuffing... but nothing else. I said…”Mom it’s empty.” She said “No it isn’t keep looking” so I dug to the bottom of the box …..throwing the paper left and right…my brothers and sisters watching in sweet anticipation…..that’s when I found it….. at the bottom of the box…the words so neatly written like only a mother would…………. “Pretend Skis”

Friday, September 24, 2010

Ok It's been awhile.....

I got to the train after a nice long vacation…thinking for a minute that I may have missed it….but then walking up the escalator two people stood in front of me and road blocked me from walking up the escalator…just as something dripped on my head….what it was I have no idea because it wasn’t raining….then when I got to the platform I smelled what seemed to be a rotting dead pigeon……it was then it all came flooding back to me…..HATE.

I got to the last car where I always sit and took my seat. As I was waiting for the door to close and the bell to ring alerting us that the train was departing I noticed there was a rookie MBTA worker who was talking to an attractive girl in her early 20’s sitting diagonally across from me…she was sitting in her seat fiddling with her iPod while he stood by her trying to engage her in conversation…I was thinking great…so this is why we are going NOWHERE….I looked at her and then at him and I was like….ain’t gonna happen pal…move along…get this train moving…

He was chatting her up and he was acting all cool….the girl was smiling as they flirted back and forth….then the guy asked…all suave…. "What’s your name?”….she said “Luz”….then he said in true rookie style……. "Loose as in….Loose?”……………………FAIL!


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Here's a story..of a lovely lady

I was sitting on the train minding my own business listening to some Hall and Oates (secretly) on my iPod…when across the way I noticed this young girl in her early twenties who looked exactly like Jan Brady….not like “Channel 56 rerun Jan Brady” but “The Brady Bunch Movie Jan Brady”….she had long blonde hair and it was pushed back with a head band….I watched as she pulled a pink "hello kitty" hand mirror out of her bag..and then searched through her bag to find her lip gloss…great….I get to watch her apply makeup…she opened the mirror and began to apply her "wet n’ wild" lip gloss in a nice frosty shade of pink while looking in the mirror…then when she was done she smiled a big scary smile in the mirror….like a girl possessed…… didn’t end there.... she put the cap back on the lip gloss…closed her mirror and put them back in her bag only to pull out her"hello kitty" HAIRBRUSH!.......I thought to myself if Jan starts getting all “100 stroke Marcia” on her hair I am going to flip the hell out!....but she didn’t….she looked at her brush and began to CLEAN IT on the train….She slowly pulled strands of her long blonde hair out of the bristles with her perfectly painted pink nails and tossed them on the ground like she was pulling petals off a daisy….. I watched as the golden strands slowly floated to the dirty, sticky floor... there was a guy standing beside her who was so deeply involved in his book that he didn't realize that the hair balls that didn't make it to the train floor…. clung nicely to his stone colored dress pants….I thought…am I the only one who is seeing this? Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a Hydroxycut daze and that my late TVland marathons are starting to go to my head...because it clearly goes unnoticed by other passengers. Once she got all her hair out of the brush and onto the floor…. and on the passenger beside her ….she then removed a tissue from her bag and began to clean the bristles ONE by ONE……like she was polishing Mike and Carol’s Sterling Silver Anniversary Platter … INSANE!

Hey Lady Brady! Are you telling me that your life is that busy that the only time you have to clean your "hello kitty" hairbrush is on the train? From what I remember you never had that much of a social life. I mean after all your ONE boyfriend George Glass was IMAGINARY!....By the way isn’t it Alice’s job to keep everything neat and tidy? What would your mother think? Jan don’t get me wrong I love the Brady Bunch….but you my friend are only setting yourself up for one thing…..a BRADY PUNCH!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Preaching in the Park

I am not much of a church go-er… let me tell you how friggin’ annoying it is to walk through Boston Common and listen to PREACHING!!!’s amazing how people who find God choose to tell everyone else about it…OUT LOUD…in the middle of a park….at 9am…. it’s getting to the point that I am going to start carrying 40’s in my commuter bag…..I am sure walking up to one of these loud mouths with a nice frosty beer would get them to shut the hell up! .....besides loving METH…these guys also tend to be animal lovers….they love to feed the pigeons and squirrels…..Look! he’s like Jesus!.... feeding the masses…..of RATS.

I am all for people finding God…getting religious and joining a nice cult so they can leave Boston and live on a nice spacious ranch in the dessert surrounded by an electrical fence with plenty of Kool-Aid to drink….any place but here is fine with me….I don’t want to see you and I certainly don’t want to HEAR you! But this guy is there practically every day!...SCREAMING the word of God.

When I was on my way through the park today I discovered I could hear him loud and clear but I couldn’t see him….as I got closer I realized the guy had a friggin’ mic and was holding a little speaker in his arms. SERIOUSLY!!!!!??? They guy now has a SOUND SYSTEM???...Who gave him a sound system? The funniest part about it was watching him balance the speaker…..and the open bible…..while trying to preach into the mic….wait…..Shouldn’t he KNOW the bible by heart by now?

Hey DELIRIOUS DEACON! Do you think it is OPEN MIC night on the Common?....or do you just fear that your words are not being heard? Believe me they are HEARD and IGNORED!....we hear you say “Christ is Lord!” but what it really sounds like is “Christ! This guy is ca-razy!” …by the way FATHER “I NEED A FIX”…do you know how much meth you could get if you pawned that sound system?...just sayin’

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Same Day Same Dress

Did you ever have one of those mornings when you alarm goes off and you lay there in bed going through your Rolodex of “101 excuses to not go to work” in your mind?…..I usually watch the weather in the hopes that maybe Beacon Hill was swept away by a massive Tsunami….never happens…NEVER!.....I was having one of those mornings….well every morning is one of those mornings…it is probably because I live in a dungeon, a basement apartment with no light except for my little street level “Laverne and Shirley” window above my bed…..I can spend a day at home and never even know what the weather is or what time of day it is. …maybe I should start referring to it as my “bomb shelter” rather than my "dungeon"...People might think I offer services in my underground world, services that I just I don’t offer… (Insert sound of bullwhip here)… yet

After watching Meredith Vieira the “Cougar of morning TV” for about 20 minutes I slowly dragged myself out of bed….thinking to myself…what the hell am I going to wear today?.....I am a creature of habit….I like routine…but I have gotten a bit too “routine” with my clothing choices for work….to the point that my friend will call me at my desk and say “It’s Wednesday so I bet you are wearing your brown dress with the brown strappy heels”….which is when I tilt my head down to see I am…in fact…..wearing my brown dress with the brown strappy heels….as hard as I try to not fall into that cycle it never fails….you can always tell what day it is by what I am wearing…..

I always leave my TV on…it’s on while I sleep and it’s on until I leave the house in the morning…I like the noise…but it is also a huge distraction….and is probably the main reason why I am always running for the bus….I get all my news from the Today show….which means I tend not to know too much about what is going on in the world…only how far along Lauer has progressed with his hair plugs and how many times Ann Curry can say good morning in 30 seconds….I think her record is five…..I tried setting my clocks ahead to get me moving but…hello!!!.... I know they are set ahead and I always say to myself well its really 7 not 7:10 am so I have ten more minutes….hip hip hooray!......I need a bandit to sneak into my place and change all the clocks by setting them 20 minutes ahead without me knowing…it’s the only way it would work…..I showered and rushed to dress….throwing on my navy blue dress…which is always a bitch to zip up I just cannot reach it….ugh I fumbled with it getting it half way up and realized I had no idea where my shoes were….I live in an apartment the size of a postage stamp….you would figure I would know where everything was….I rummaged through my basket o’ shoes and found them and headed out the door….running to the bus stop.

I had an early meeting so when I got to the State House I made my way to my office tossed my coat on the coat rack and hauled ass to my meeting……I texted my friend to save me a seat……I got there just in the nick of time….out of breath I made my way through the rows of seats to my friend where I took a of my friends was sitting behind me and tapped me on the back…I was like....why can I feel a cold finger tapping between my shoulder blades?..........OMG! I never zipped up my dress!……I quickly tried my best to stretch my arms behind my back frantically trying to locate my zipper…my friend behind me quickly came to my rescue and zipped my dress. I was so embarrassed….I turned to my friend beside me who fought to hold back laughter in the room full of people….and he said “Rough morning?”…then he slowly looked at me...head to foot and said “Let me guess….its Thursday!”