Saturday, February 20, 2010

Busted!

Look what I came home to last night.....looks like someone found another glove to love.....

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Red Light is on....and the Madame is in

When I got to the train it wasn’t too bad…vacation weeks are usually less crowded…I sat in my usual seat and listened to some tunes…when we got to Quincy this woman came and sat next to me….well practically ON ME…she was a bit “hefty”…she was an older woman….and very apologetic as she sat on my lap…but I didn’t seem to mind…she seemed nice…yeah I just said NICE….she was wearing a nice camel coat and a scarf she probably knitted herself….considering she had yarn needles and yarn sticking out of her quilted Vera Bradley bag…..This woman got nice and comfy…and when I say comfy I mean I was merely a cushion…a favorite pillow…I really didn’t mind so much because she was wearing Chanel No. 5, which coupled with her oldness reminded me of my mother……until…….she took out her romance novel with a half naked woman on the front and a Native American on a sweaty horse…I mean we all know what she is reading…does SHE know that WE know she is reading words like “bulging manhood” and “glistening bosom”?...let’s be serious here….romance novels are really porn for the “reserved”….let me guess you read it for the story line, and because it’s an easy READ, and not the fact that women are EASY and always get kidnapped by Native American warriors only to get RAVAGED in a tee pee…it reminded me of grade school when one of my girlfriends...I won't name names........(Bernice)......got a copy of the book “Forever” by Judy Bloom…it was about getting it on for the first time and the first person that read it went through and marked all the pages with the dirty parts…made for easy reading…I learned a lot from Ms. Bloom…..

Hey Dirty Diana!…I am on to that dirty mind of yours! It’s not a secret….we know what happens when a woman is left alone by her cowboy husband…who is off herding cattle for months at a time!....throw in a couple ranch hands and a housekeeper and it sounds like the making of the perfect porno…which means I only have one thing to say to you “Madame Memere’”….when exactly is that book coming out on DVD?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Snow blows!

I had my son pretty young and was lucky enough to be able to live at home with my parents so they could help me raise him. My son spent a lot of time with my Dad. My Dad retired by the time Jake was born so he had more free time. So Jake was always in the garage with him....he learned the parts of an engine before he was ten, and knew how to run a snow blower by the age of eight. My Dad basically treated him like one of the guys. There would be times when my 11 year old didn't understand why I wouldn't let him drive to the grocery store because well...."Big" (he used to call my Dad, "Big Chief") always let him....he also could swing an axe and use the log splitter before he was 12…..needless to say he was my “little man”…..

Today with the anticipated snow…it made me think of the days when my son would be out for hours with my Dad running the snow blower or the plow truck helping to clean the sidewalks and driveways of our elderly neighbors…..one day Jake came in from the snow…..drudged through the drifts onto the porch and into the kitchen….he was cold and MAD!......apparently my Dad had yelled at him for something….so my mother said to him…draw a picture about it….you know to keep him occupied and to chill him out…..this is what he drew….. (notice how Jake even included my Dad's key ring that he always had attached at his hip)


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Hop on the bus Gus...no need to discuss .......Anything!

I got out to the bus this morning thinking there was a pretty good chance I missed it… because it’s Monday…..even though I had about twelve hours of sleep last night…..only because after the "Vengeful Vixens Marathon" on Lifetime was all over there was nothing to watch but flippin’ football…. Thanks, but NO thanks …having had an older brother that played football his whole flippin’ life I have lost about 1/3 of my life to that sport already….time to waste my life on something else….and I'm open to some suggestions......when I got to the curb I saw a guy standing at the bus stop…this is good and bad…GOOD because it is clear evidence that I did not in fact MISS the bus…woo hoo!…BAD because that means he is probably going to want to talk to me….they usually start with the weather…then the bus schedule talk…..two things that if they ever came up on a date I would only have one thing to say….Check please!….but since I am not on a date….it’s more like ….Bus please!

This guy had a dress sweater on and a dress shirt….and pants obviously….(But knowing the sketch balls I run into every day I thought I should clarify)....but that was it…this guy was clearly out of his mind….no coat..no hat.....no gloves.....he sort of looked like the choir teacher from Glee.....but younger......it is always young guys pulling this shit….its proves one of two things….he is trying to be manly….”I DON’T NEED A JACKET I AM A MAN!” (insert Tim Allen gorilla sounds)….or he is trying to show that he clearly can’t take care of himself and needs a girlfriend/mother to save him from himself…or at least H1N1. My guess is the latter.....HEY GUY Men drive trucks they don't take buses.....honestly I would rather be at the bus stop with Blondie…because at least she entertains me…..plus she probably throws off some serious heat at a cold bus stop…and could block the wind if I hovered behind her at just the right angle.

When I got to the corner he said..."Good morning, boy is it a cold one" obviously wanting to point out his coatless manliness....….I was like...I'll bite......"Yeah I guess when you don’t own a coat"….he was like "I own a coat I just didn’t wear it….the only thing that is cold are my ears” he said with his boyish twinkle…..and he had ears!.....more like handles if you ask me….he was not a typical "bus guy" .....you could tell...because he wouldn't be wearing those nice shoes, his mother probably bought him on the flippin' bus.....he wouldn't have a smile on his face.....and he wouldn't be talking to me like he had diarrhea of the mouth....he then asked...."When does the bus arrive 8:38?"......I figured I had to reply since the fact that I already made a wisecrack to the kid proving I was not (a) deaf, or (b) mute....damn it!......"The bus gets here when you see it come around that corner"...I said as I tilted my head quickly to the left....not once taking my eyes off my blackberry....this one make take a few mornings before he figures out I'm the “angry non-talker”....Hey DAPPER DAN THE LADIES MAN….let me just bring you up to speed....there is no “chit chat” at the bus stop....not about the weather, not about the bus, and certainly not about any body parts, cold, hot or otherwise......and by the way since you don’t have a COAT to zip….why don’t you start by zipping your LIP...

Monday, February 8, 2010

Smell ya later.....

This morning I forgot my scarf....which is crazy considering how the other day it saved my flippin' life. When I got on the train the other day I was running a bit late...so I just hopped on the closest car to the escalator...I got on and it was pretty empty except for one other person. I sat near the end of the car...less seats = less people....I sat in my seat on the end as usual so I would only have to deal with one idiot rubbing up against me....then it happened.....Captain Smelly Pants came in....and sat down just two seats away from me. This guy was RIPE!.....I immediately held my breath....and looked to the only other guy on the train...and thought...wait for it...wait for it....and then it hit him...eyes went wide and he shook his head like he had just woken from a dream...probably a good smelling dream.....neither of us moved. It's insane!..... What suddenly I have a heart? I don't want to hurt smelly guys feelings?......just then I thought...hey he doesn't know me...this isn't the usual car I sit in....I can ditch this smelly death dungeon and never see him again....so I began to pick up my bag....ding ding.....doors closed....I was like great...so this is the kind of day I am going to have...I pulled my scarf from the inside of my coat and wrapped it around my face....so far so good....I mean it was the kind of smell you could possibly taste if you let your mouth fall open for too long.

With each stop the car began to fill up..... but not the seat next to Captain Swamp Ass. There were two attempts...one young girl who got on the train saw the seat and immediately bolted to it....thinking she struck gold!...then she realized...maybe not...and got up as quickly as she sat down. Now Smelly Guy never noticed any of this because he was taking a nice morning snoozer.....it was fun to watch people get on and immediately you would see their nose crinkle and they would look around to see the root of all evil....then they would find him...then they look for someone to make eye contact with to confirm it....raised eye brow to raised eye brow....and then they would exit stage left....then there was this one guy standing in front of me who decided to sit next to him....he sat...he sat...and then stood with a hard swallow...you know that he threw up in his mouth...just a little...meanwhile I'm nice and dry heave free under my scarf....thank God for Gain!...until I was so wrapped up in my ipod that I was feeling a little warm under my scarf and forgot about the smell...I moved my scarf off my face and it hit me hard......I began to dry heave...I couldn’t help it...I grabbed my scarf over my face and I did my best to disguise it as a cough...my eyes were watering hard.....lucky for me my sister wasn’t on the train with me...because all she needs to hear is the "dry heave" sound and we have lift off!....thank God I didn’t puke....reason number one why one should not ingest liquids or solids before the morning commute because there is a slight chance you may hurl....we finally arrived at Park street and I never saw people clear a train quicker....I made it up to the Dunks and saw one of my friends in line...we began to chat....and then she said to me with a crinkled nose......what on earth is that smell?????......grrreeeatttt now I am the smelly one!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Do you have any spare change?

One of the great things about Boston is the people who beg for change…..they are ALL over the place. I understand it’s not funny to be homeless….or be in so dire need of cash that you would beg for it….in the cold…on the street…I get that…but if I am going to be handing out cash I am going to seek out the guy who is working for it…..kinda like the strip club…you are not gonna hand your hard earned dollars to a chick that is just walking around the stage looking pretty….there is a pole there for a reason….work for it….same thing applies if you’re trying to skim some cash off me in Boston Common. There are basically four guys that beg for change that stand out…. Newscaster Guy, Snoop Dog, the Straight Shooter and Spare Change Guy (I know creative name) .

“Newscaster Guy”….he gets change….maybe even a couple of bucks if I am coming from my satellite office, also known as the bar…..this guy will give you weather reports….tell you to bundle up…or expect rain….he also will yell out sports scores if the Sox, Bruins, Celts or Pats are playing…he has a little transistor radio that he listens to….sometimes he will even put on a show for you….one time as I was passing through the Common during the warm summer months…..I came across Newscaster Guy and he was wearing a Cat in the Hat suit…..that was when he won me over….that takes some balls or maybe just a little crack…there he stood in the common at his usual spot….tall red and white hat….dancing….whenever I saw that I was like finally some entertainment!....I am sure the three martini’s I had previously helped me to appreciate his skills….but I can honestly say whenever I see this guy…he gets paid.

“Snoop Dog” is a completely different character…..but I like this guy…..he is old school…he holds a metal can…like an empty soup can…no label…all metal….he is usually sitting down on the sidewalk…he will take the can in his hands and tap it on the ground……while he sings…..Drop it like it’s hot…drop it like it’s hot….yeah talk about getting a song stuck in your head….when I see Snoop I am singing that song for like five days…..

My favorite one out of this bunch is “Straight Shooter”…straight shooter carries a cardboard sign that reads….”I am not going to LIE I am going to spend your money on BOOZE”….THIS IS MY GUY…..it’s almost like I feel his pain….he wants a cold one…hell, he will even take a warm one….he just wants one….I am all for contributing to a good cause….finally a campaign I believe in!….I gave that guy a fin…..I wasn’t the only one…he was raking in some serious cash…..




Everyone knows “Spare Change Guy” because he irritates the hell out of everyone…..he likes to stop traffic….get in your face and ask you about your sex life…..all the while yelling in his scratchy ear piercing voice….”Do youuuuuu have any SPAAARRE channnnnge?”…..this guy has a following…and I kid you not…..he has a Myspace…he has a theme song….he has been on Fox 25 and he even has a ringtone… ….one of the young kids at the state house made a point to record him on his phone and he now uses his “Do you have any spare change?” as a ringtone…...the one good thing about his eardrum busting song is that you can hear him coming……so you know when to switch sidewalks…..needless to say he gets no change from me.

When I say he has a following it’s not a joke…

Please see the sidebar to the right and follow a link to some live "Spare Change Guy" footage. He is also on Facebook...I cannot provide a link to his page so if you want to see it you can just search for Spare Change Guy on Facebook.


Do we really need to make it convenient for people to purchase shaving needs on the T? Is that what I am going to have to deal with? People shaving on the flippin' train? ............Great.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The search for gLove continues......



NOT A MATCH :(
SORRY BUDDY



You guys think I joke about this shit....

Friday, February 5, 2010

All the single ladies...

Apparently there is no shaking Blondie....she is on the bus even if I mix it up and take a later one or an earlier one...it's like who is stalking who?....and since I'm the one writing about her ever day like a scorned lover then I guess the evidence is stacked against me....let's just say I won't be taking any photos of her in the off chance she's found dead at the bottom of a barrel of clam chowder at a food festival for I could be to blame!!!!

When I got on the bus today she was sprawled across the handicap seats as usual....she was sportin' her ray bans...but she had her eyes closed...the sun was pouring in through the window onto her big round body and her tight Lee jeans...she seemed to be enjoying the glow....on the bus mind you..in front of strangers...she looked like she was meditating or willing her phone to ring....you decide....I thought to myself that would be the day that I closed my eyes on the bus...insanity!.....well I guess she's safe.....since as my son used to say "fat kids are harder to kidnap"

Within minutes she was on the phone.....she made a call because apparently she couldn't "will" her phone to ring....I wonder if she notices that I stare at her and write about her haha....anyway....she was talking about going to a friend's wedding and how she was going to catch the bouquet.....I thought....Blondie? Single? No way!.......then I thought I bet she's one of those hard core bouquet catchers......she probably has a strategy...a couple of elbows to the chest....step on a few toes....take one or two bitches down....then snatch that bouquet and wedded bliss is just days, months, years a lifetime away.....when I'm forced to go out on that damn dance floor for the bouquet toss at one of my "sucker" friends weddings.....that thing falls at my feet. It's like friggin' kryptonite....I'm not going for it...I had a repeat wedding and there is NO need for a three-peat....maybe that's why Blondie packed an Olympic lunch....maybe she's in training for the big toss.....her lunch had its own seat right next to her for crying out loud...we got to Braintree station...and as we got off the bus there was some sand and she slipped a bit...kinda cartoonish...and I thought here it is....the moment I've been waiting for.....Blondie is gonna eat some pavement....sweet....but unfortunately she was able to regain her balance....I'm sure the weight of her "lunch of champions" helped out....this is just living proof my friends, weebles wobble...but they don't fall down.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

A look back at my resolutions....


I made some resolutions on New Years Eve...but then over the days that followed I made a few adjustments....so here are my resolutions "as amended"....which I will now consider my New Years Resolutions for 2010...

You can click on it for a better view..


Road the train with Peter Griffin tonight.
Yeah this is my view. People on my flippin’ lap. Crotch Parade!

Next Stop...CHINATOWN!

I'm already going to hell and the worst part is...it will probably be on the express train or even worse the express bus... so at this point I figure I can say whatever the hell I want especially since I laugh at myself all the flippin' time because let's be honest when it comes to idiots, it takes one to know one, and as much as people irritate the hell out of me, I'm sure there has been more than one occasion where I have irritated the hell out of someone...mostly my family...mostly my sisters....but I'm sure a fair share of strangers as well....I can dish it out, and most of the time take it....as long as I didn't already take in three martinis….I promise I won't take it personal and I won't throw punches.

Traveling on the red line I am the minority....traveling through Quincy is like traveling through Chinatown. I was on the bus today and I sat next to an Asian woman.....I will tell you why I like to sit next to Asian women….. because they are more likely than not always smaller...actually tiny….which means more room for my fat ass....I sat down and all was great until she took out her phone....you know my issues with idiots talking on their cell on the bus and/or train....it's flippin' annoying!!!! Well there is only one thing more annoying!!! People who talk on their cell phone in CHINESE!!!!!!!..... Ok well maybe there is like one time the Chinese language is not annoying....and that's like at 2am after last call at the Singapore when your ordering enough chicken fingers and spare ribs to sink a small ship...and you’re wondering why the guy behind the counter can't understand you when you talk.....apparently he's not fluent in YOUR language.... DRUNK!....which is one language my friends, which I speak fluently……I can tolerate the Chinese language then...and only then…actually I've probably made comments about what a beautiful language it is while knee deep in scorpion bowls and mai tais….. But on a bus at 9 in the morning…before I have my coffee....listening to her yackity yack yack ……..I felt like I was in the middle of a Chinese market...she talked so fast and so high....my head began to spin....and then I thought....grrreaaatt she's probably talking about the fat white chick who just sat next to her who is out of breath and smells like peanut butter toast....we got to Braintree and made our way to the train……I sat down and then I realized I forgot my damn peanut butter and jelly on the kitchen counter…..damn it! I hate it when that happens!...I guess that just leaves one option for lunch……CHINESE!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

We work hard for our money...


This is a sign that hangs over an entrance of the building I work in…..the MAIN entrance of the building I work in….the main entrance of the STATE building I work in…the main entrance of THE state building I work in…the main entrance of the STATE HOUSE….obviously it’s not the entrance I use….I use the VIP Hooker Entrance.

I miss my glove

Irish Breakfast

I missed TWO busses today….TWO!...that requires skill…or serious LACK of skill…you decide….I swear my mother named me Kate for one reason….and one reason only..it rhymes with LATE…..you would figure by missing two busses that I would manage to avoid Blondie….think again! I got on and there she was….wearing RAY BANS!....you know, like Bruce Willis used to wear…..she kills me…..she had her phone out and as I sat down she began to dial….tap tap tap…beep beep beep….how about slap slap slap …PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH…yeah I have a feeling I could do some serious damage to those Ray Bans….SNAP!

When we got to Braintree station I lost Blondie to the concession stand….nothing like a snickers at 9am….I hauled ass up the escalator and just made it as the train gave its final warning ..ding ding…I sat down gasping for air….I think my regimen of not running, watching MTV and eating Easy Mac for dinner is really working out for me…..by the second stop I realized there was no heat on my car….but I am sure the idiot in the driver’s seat with “MBTA” written across his chest was nice and toasty as he sent text messages to his baby momma….but I figured shivering would distract me from any, and all idiots on the train…..until I got to Quincy Center and ran into one of Quincy’s finest….I smelt him before I spotted him… He was standing beside me holding on to the pole next to me….he was a decent enough looking guy….wearing a nice Irish cap….dress coat….had a red beard…and sunglasses..he held that pole with a kung fu grip….that poll was holding this guy up…he was hurtin’…he clearly had one fun night that ended with one rough morning…

He reminded me of Sunday morning breakfast with my family growing up…my brothers would get up after a wild Saturday night out…sometimes getting my brothers to the table would require the use of my mother’s alarm clock….my mother had two alarm clocks…one was what you might want to consider the “radio” wake up….you know, it was subtle…she would take the handle of a broom and bang it hard as hell on the kitchen ceiling, which just happened to be right below the boys room, which was right underneath my brothers beds….if they were too stupid enough, or too hung over to get up after that…she would then use the “buzzer” which was less subtle….the buzzer was when my mother would take the metal water pitcher from the table and would fill it with ice water…and let it sit a bit to get nice and cold…and then she would walk up the stairs to their room and pull off their sheets and pour it on their toasty, warm, sleeping, snoring, bodies …GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!.....Reason Number 1 why the girls never drank and were always at the table!

So here he was...the perfect example of DUI guy….now if he didn’t hustle to the T in a huffy this morning he is about three weeks out from doing it that’s for sure…Hey BIG IRISH! Good luck at work today…what’s that cologne you’re wearing? …Jameson? or Johnny Walker? ….you should be a real hit with the ladies at the office…after all if it’s one thing we ladies are looking for it’s a guy with ambition! And there’s nothing like a guy who drinks likes it’s his job and he’s working hard toward a promotion!

Monday, February 1, 2010

I'm ready for my close up

Mondays blow….plain and simple….I got up this morning and like every other morning I could not find anything to wear…. one would think that I had all day Saturday and Sunday to figure that out….yeah ok…you know how much television I had to catch up on?.....so not even knowing what the damn temperature was outside I picked a dress…because it requires less matching…I threw on some tights and boots and I was good to go…until I went outside and got bitch slapped by Father Winter….a dress was a poor fashion choice…especially with no damn gloves to keep my hands warm…I walked to the bus stop and stood there like…you guessed it a stripper just getting of her shift….well an old, over weight stripper…..I hate waiting for the bus in a dress….Braintree Tradesman driving trucks…idiots….horn check!.....

I watched as this guy in a BACK PACK crossed the street to the bus stop…he started talking to me immediately….great I thought….a TALKER WITH A BACK PACK….and I’m freezing my ass off…..he was talking about the weather…HEY AL ROKER! Why don’t you keep your weather report to yourself…I have no interest in what you have going on in “your neck of the woods”…so shut it!

The bus finally arrived …I got on and there she was…..double wide, bottle blonde and she was wearing aviator glasses….and was playing with her phone…I thought to myself…if that thing rings she done…she probably has it out just to screw with me…she’s was “willing it” to ring I just knew it….it never rang…otherwise I would have been writing this from jail.

I didn’t really know I made a poor fashion choice this morning FOR REAL until my bus ride home tonight. Now on the bus ride in I got to sit down. But on the bus ride home I had to stand because it is always packed. The thing is when you wear a sweater dress and tights…the sweater dress tends to RIDE up your legs…add a wool jacket to that equation and you have clothes that pretty much want to come off all by themselves….so there I was standing on the bus getting pushed around and I reached for the bar above me to hang on… and as I did my coat clung to my dress and dragged it up almost completely above my ass and then static cling was nice enough to step in and hold it in place for a good.. I don’t know three stops….until I felt someone graze my “black tight” covered ass….Great I thought…did I just feel a brief case on my ass?....OMG I just brought “T Perv” to a whole new level….So now I am wondering who the hell is writing about me on their damn Facebook tonight…and I pray to God they didn’t have a flippin’ picture phone.